The Real Way to Trim a Tree

Now, for the past few weeks, I’ve been hearing horrific news about Christmas.

When I told my friends my family was waiting for me to come back from college to cut down our tree, they thought it was “cute.” Cute!

“Oh, we get ours from outside a store,” some said.

“Oh, we just buy ours from the lot,” said others.

Many even told me–gasp–that they unpacked a fake tree from a box every year.

What has happened to this world that a Christmas tree comes with an instruction manual and you can buy it online?

This may not exactly be band-related, but this Christmas, I’m making it my mission to educate everyone about the real and right way to trim a tree.

And out of consideration for your lazy brains over Winter Break, it’s all in pictures.

Step 1: Go to a Christmas Tree farm (yes those exist) and walk around until you find the perfect tree. Saw it down.

Take the requisit annual Christmas tree picture

(Make boys) carry the tree across the farm.

Bind tree up with string using this cool/scary machine.

Attach your tree to the car for the drive home (be creative). When we had a smaller car, it used to be my job to make sure the tree hadn't fallen out of the open trunk.

Once your tree has made it home, stick it in a tree stand. Make sure you screw in the pegs tightly at the trunk.

Untie the string around the tree...

...ta-da! It's back!

There will probably be a lot of needles initially. Fake-tree supporters use this as an argument against real trees, but it's really not hard to vacuum, people!

At this point, you may want to take a break. But when you're ready again, hang Christmas lights around your tree.


Add the star last.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the BEST way to trim a tree.

Merry Christmas!

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One Response to The Real Way to Trim a Tree

  1. Matt Loewen says:

    Sad story: Unless my best friend isn’t telling me something, I don’t actually know anyone who uses a “real” tree. And neither does Mom. So I’m very thankful that you put this up, so that I might learn 🙂

    (at the same time, I don’t appreciate your spurious and unfounded accusations concerning lazy people 🙂 )

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